Did everyone make sure to set up Clorox Traps to disinfect the Easter bunny? It was a strange Easter, but fun. There was still an egg hunt, some baskets of candy, and even a “social distancing” dinner.
I could easily write a long post about the day, and I still might. But, why waste a bunch of time on that, when I can help you?
So here it is. . .
1. Keep An Inconsistent Posting Schedule
Look kid. . . If you’re like me, you know that keeping a strict, reliable schedule that people can count on is for schmucks. The real winners post sporadically, and at random times. It keeps your readers guessing and wanting more.
2. Use Your Fleeting Attention Span to Forget That You Actually Enjoy Writing
Also, you may forget that you actually like doing this. That’s important… Not to remember, but to forget. How on earth could you give in to the temptations of watching riveting television like Tiger King or playing Final Fantasy 7 for the umpteenth time (because money is an issue and you can’t afford a PS4 for the remake) if you’re so concerned about a fulfilling and creative activity while maintains a schedule such as writing.
3. Always Overly Personal Info Over Actually Engaging Subjects
Never forget to take extra care to post specifically about your family. Make sure that you won’t attract new readers. The only person who should care about your posts is your Great Aunt Betty in Cow-patty Missouri who misses your Facebook posts in between her Minion memes and shitty Infowars videos.
4. Utilize Spotty Advertising At Most
There are so many great tools out there to get your blog noticed. It’s okay to research what they all are, but don’t you dare learn how to utilize them in a clear and/or competent manner! For example, sure. . . I know what Pinterest is, and even have an account. However, I haven’t the faintest clue how to use it proficiently. Essentially, I throw money at it and yell, “MAKE ME POPULAR!” at my screen. At this point, I’ve put so much thought and effort into one form of social media, that I most likely have forgotten to advertise on any other site.
5. When You Do Get To Writing, Take Forever
It will be tempting to finish your work in a timely manner. But, you must stay diligent. Try only writing during a break at work, or 5 to 10 minutes before bed. I find it best to wait until you’ve already started to fall asleep and you’re sitting there like a bobble head, just letting your big noggin bounce around. Bonus points if your forget the computer and write on your phone. If you’re skilled enough you can do this lying down and potentially drop your device square on that pretty mug of yours.
6. Barely Consider SEO
This is an easy one. If you’ve researched blogging, you’ve surely heard of SEO. Well forget all of what you may have learned. The “experts” don’t know what they’re talking about, and more importantly, you shouldn’t care. Just assume you know everything you need right off the bat. You are a beautiful butterfly burdened with a fantastic mind.
7. Stubbornly Use A More Restrictive Platform Based Solely On Your Own Laziness
There are so many platforms out there that will give you exceptional control, and almost unlimited customization. But who needs that? To really test yourself, you need self imposed limitations. Something you can easily plug word vomit into without any pesky advanced settings or potential control of your product. For example, I’ve gone with Blogger.
So there you go! Follow all my advice, and you won’t ever need to worry about fading into obscurity. You can be born in it. . . raised in it. Just like me!
